It was a two millimeter monster!

Today will hopefully go down as my worst day of 2009. In fact, I'd be fine with it being my worst day of 2010, 2011 and 2012. I'll just start from the beginning.

There I was, sleeping, dreaming, not even knowing what was about to come next. It was 2:15 in the AM and pain was right around the corner. PAIN I SAY! I can't remember exactly what I was dreaming about, but in this dream, my back really started to hurt. As I awoke, I came to find this unfortunate back pain had followed me from my dream world into reality. It initially felt as though I had been sleeping a bit awkward and perhaps had tweaked my back a tad. Little did I know how much a tweaked back would have been a blessing.

As I started to try and walk it off, I quickly realized just how much pain I'm actually in. It's not going away, I'm starting to feel a bit nauseous, and I had this ongoing urge to use the restroom (both 1 and 2). This went on for about an hour or so with nothing coming out of any end. No success at all. But the pain did get worse. Finally, oh finally, my body made it clear that it was time for something to go. Vomit, and lots of it. That was gross. So I then felt a little better having at least accomplished something, but my back was still in horrible pain and we decided I should probably head to the ER.

Oh, and let me try to explain the pain. It felt like the worst knot I have ever had in my back. It was very easy to distinguish where the pain was (lower right), but it felt so deep that massaging it did absolutely nothing. This was one of the reasons I hesitated so much with going to the ER because it seemed like a lot of effort for something I thought I might be able to just work through myself. Anyway, I was wrong so let's get back to the story.

The ER. Should I have Wife drive me to the hospital and then sit in the waiting room for hours in excruciating pain, possibly barfing all over the place? Or should we call 911, pay a chunk of change, and just have me delivered right into a patient room with a doctor ready and waiting? Seeing as how the pain kept getting worse, and I found myself neck-deep in the trashcan again, we opted for the ambulance.

When my flashing escort arrived, I hobbled outside and let myself in. The paramedic analyzed my situation as we drove to the hospital, and his initial assumption was simply that I had tweaked my back and would probably need some strong painkillers or muscle relaxers. Seeing as how I was perfectly fine before I went to bed, I was a little skeptical, but hopeful at the same time.

Upon arrival at the hospital and after about 30 seconds with the nurse, I was told it was most likely a KIDNEY STONE! Not what I wanted to hear!

Then came the drugs. Oh those sweet, I.V. injected drugs. They definitely helped, but didn't relieve the pain nearly as much as I had hoped. At least they made me feel all funny and relaxed, so that was nice. A few minutes later they took me to get a CAT scan. That was probably more relaxing than it should have been, but I think the drugs were really kicking in at that point. I was so close to falling asleep in that giant, radioactive ring. Oh well.

As we waited for the results, all I could do was keep buzzing in the nurse and asking for more water because mine mysteriously kept disappearing (Wife, I'm looking at you). That's fine, I was only able to take in about half a sip every couple of minutes because even that made me want to "vom" all over the room.

The results were in. I had a kidney stone. Luckily it was only 2mm in diameter, and anything less than 5mm is almost always passable with no assistance. Thank goodness. Prescriptions were then issued, clothes were put back on (yes, I was wearing an awesome hospital gown), and it was time to head home. I think it was around 6:30am at this point. I almost puked on the way to the car, but luckily I was able to hold it down.

It's good to be home. I'm drugged, still in pain, sore, achy, but ready to sleep. I succeeded in falling asleep and managed to stay down for a few hours.

I woke up around 10:00am and managed to drink some water. Quite a bit actually. This was the first time since this whole madness started that I was actually able to swallow anything without feeling the urge to ralph. As soon as the water got into my system, I knew it was already time to try and pass the stone. And that I did. I succeeded with little to no pain and managed to catch the little bastard in the dunce-cap strainer they gave me at the hospital. I couldn't believe something so small could cause so much pain.

So that's it, right? Nope!

Wife decided to go get some lunch for us around noon, so my plan was to keep sleeping until she got back. Around 12:30pm I woke up and quickly realized my head should be back in the trashcan as soon as possible.

*More barf...*

I couldn't quite put my finger on why I was still throwing up (no pun intended). My head was hurting, but I didn't think it was a migraine (the only other source of pain that has ever caused me to toss my cookies). I decided to take a shower and I felt miserable the entire time. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how much food my body was missing from all of that yacking. Not having food tends to be my number one reason for getting migraines. I got out of the shower and quickly buried my head in the toilet as it was time, yet again, to throw up. At this point there really wasn't much of anything coming out. Just a lot of loud noises echoing off the sides of the bowl.

By now Wife had gotten back with our lunch (and my various prescriptions), but I was feeling too horrible (again) to eat. I took one of my migraine pills and fell back asleep. I was up and down for the next few hours and finally managed to eat my "lunch" around 7:00pm. It made me feel a lot better, and also allowed me to take a Vicodin to help with the remaining pain. Oh boy did it help. That stuff is magical.

So here we are. It's the end of the day, I'm feeling almost back to normal and thinking I might actually be able to go to work tomorrow. I won't push my luck though. Oh, and how much do you think a kidney stone goes for on eBay these days? I figure that little A-hole set us back about $600 when you calculate in the cost of the ambulance, the ER visit, the CAT scan, a day (or two) of missed work, and prescription costs.

I should mount it in a ring or something because I might as well have peed out a diamond. What a freakin' waste.